The Relationship That Exists Only in Your Head Does the Most Damage
Growth Comes From Real Relationships
I thought they were my friends.
A whole group of people who cared about me, who saw me as more than just a name on a Zoom screen.
They were imaginary.
Not in the clinical sense—these were real people. But the relationships? Those existed only in my head.
You know the kind I mean. Where everything feels one-sided. Where you interpret their actions as friendship and ignore every red flag screaming otherwise. Where you end up with a broken heart when that connection you felt turns out to be something you manufactured entirely on your own.
This seems to be one of my favorite habits.
The Ending That Woke Me Up
I worked with someone kind of famous for the last two years. When I sent the email explaining why I wasn’t renewing my membership, communication shut off.
Not even a “thanks for your time.”
Nothing.
I wasn’t devastated. There’s even a name for this—parasocial interaction. It’s where we imagine relationships with people that don’t actually exist.
But then I realized something uncomfortable.
This wasn’t about them being famous. I’d been doing this everywhere—with my boss, my coworkers, people I saw every day. Manufacturing connections that never existed.
The Cost of Living in Your Head
When we create imaginary relationships, the energy toll is massive.
We invest time and effort into connections that can never be reciprocal.
We become reactive and vulnerable to people who have no idea we’ve cast them in starring roles in our internal narratives. We interpret their actions based on relationships that don’t exist.
We twist ourselves into shapes we think they want.
We hide parts of ourselves we’ve decided don’t fit the role.
We perform for an audience that isn’t watching.
“The more we seek approval and avoid disapproval from others, the more we deplete our true self.”- Harriet Lerner
These relationships don’t have to be with people in front of us right now. We bond to potential instead of reality. We see one inspired moment in someone and build an entire relationship around who they could be, not who they actually are.
You see this everywhere in romantic relationships. The “honeymoon is over” phase is when we wake up next to someone we’ve never actually met. We bonded to the promise of someone, not the actual person.
We’re in a relationship with a future that hasn’t happened while ignoring what’s actually in front of us.
Why We Keep These Fantasies Alive
The imaginary relationships spare us the risk of rejection.
But they also spare us reality.
We keep them alive by denying what’s true. By avoiding our own vulnerabilities. By feeling validated by actions that never had the meaning we assigned them.
An imaginary relationship isn’t imaginary because you made it up.
It’s imaginary because it survives without mutual participation.
The Evolutionary Trap We Fall Into
Our survival mechanism wants us to be part of a community. To belong to a tribe. Rejection from the group meant death to our ancestors.
So our brains create these imaginary bonds as insurance. If we believe the connection exists, we can pretend we’re safe. We can feel like we belong even when we’re standing outside the circle looking in.
“We desperately don’t want to be perceived as needy. We want to appear as if we have it all together.” - Brené Brown
We change ourselves to fit what we think they want. We hide parts that seem too weird, too much, too different. All because we’re desperate to be seen and valued.
But here’s what I discovered. the imaginary relationships I created were all about trying to prove I mattered. That what I was doing had worth. That I existed as more than just a transaction.
I twisted myself into shapes that didn’t fit my actual personality because I thought that’s what would make them care.
I was fighting against my own worth because I didn’t value what made me unique.
What Actually Changed
About a month ago, I felt incredible stress.
I felt I would meet the apocalypse walking around a corner.
There was a feeling of doom I couldn’t shake. It pressed from above on me, squeezing me into a small space. I felt crushed under the pressure.
Then I sent that email saying I wasn’t renewing my membership with the semi-famous person’s program.
The relief was immediate.
I felt lighter than I have in years. Freer. Happier than I can remember being maybe ever.
I wasn’t under anyone else’s expectations anymore. I didn’t have to perform or hide or twist myself into someone else’s vision of what I should be. I could just be me—weird parts, unconventional approaches, different brain and all.
For the first time in a long time, I was interacting with people who commented on my writing with my full, honest opinions. No filtering. No performing.
Just me.
And it felt incredible.
The Gift Hidden in Disappointment
I realize now that all my imaginary relationships were about the same thing. Being seen. Feeling valued for who I actually am.
Nobody wants to feel like a cog in a machine. We all want to matter as individual humans with thoughts, feelings, and unique perspectives.
I was trying to force outcomes that don’t fit my personality. My brain works differently processing information, creates solutions, sees patterns. I was judging myself harshly for not following the “right” path when that path was never designed for brains like mine.
The parts of myself I hid and judged? Those are the parts that make me valuable.
“We can be good at being who we are or good at being who we’re supposed to be. We cannot be both.”- Glennon Doyle
But I’m not broken.
I’m just me. And I can be me and make my dreams happen.
How to Spot Imaginary Relationships
Real relationships don’t require constant mental narration.
They don’t need you to explain away behaviors or fill in gaps with optimistic interpretations. They don’t demand that you twist yourself into uncomfortable shapes to maintain them.
Real relationships have reciprocity. Energy flows both ways. You notice it’s not just you putting in all the effort—they show up too. They ask questions. They care about your answers. They remember things about you.
Real relationships are quieter in your head because they’re louder in reality.
They happen in shared presence, not inner rehearsal.
When you find yourself constantly having imaginary conversations with someone—explaining yourself, defending yourself, trying to make them understand—that’s your signal. The relationship exists more in your mind than in the space between you.
What You Can Do Right Now
Look at your relationships honestly.
Not with the story you’ve been telling yourself, but with what’s actually there. Are these connections one-sided? Are you the only one reaching out? Are you constantly interpreting neutral actions as signs of deeper connection?
The mind shift that needs to happen is this: you don’t need these imaginary relationships. You’re worthy and lovable just because of who you are, not who you pretend to be.
It starts with accepting yourself. All of yourself—even the parts that don’t fit neatly into anyone else’s mold.
Make sure you’re investing in relationships that actually exist.
The Truth About Freedom
Freedom begins when you stop trying to be understood by someone who isn’t listening—even when that someone is just a voice in your own mind.
When you stop performing for an audience that was never actually there, you get to discover who you are when you’re not trying to be anyone else.
And that person? The real you underneath all the performing and hiding and twisting?
That person is pretty damn incredible.