This is such a powerful example of how unexamined stories shape not only our perception of others, but of ourselves. The way you trace everyday conflict back to deeper evolutionary wiring and childhood beliefs is such a compassionate reminder that we’re often not reacting to the present moment—we’re reacting to the past. Self-love really does begin with self-knowing, and your story illustrates how liberating that process can be.
It is really shocking to see how much of our past thinking affects us now. I am always amazed when I did deep for things what comes up. Do you do a practice like this?
I was also brought up to not waste food and to eat everything on my plate. We always had plenty to eat but it wasn't expensive food. I didn't eat steak until I was 18 and a boyfriend took me out for a birthday dinner.
You are so right about how attitude towards food can cause conflict. My ex wouldn't eat leftovers, which appalled and frustrated me. My current partner, on the other hand, has to have cupboards full of food and eats everyone else's leftovers. He was the eldest of three boys, all over six foot, and there wasn't enough food to go around.
It pays to discuss our attitudes to food, money, holidays, work etc. but when I was married, I didn't think to.
Yes! Hubby and I have settled so much but the food battle was the biggest lesson. When I don't make things personal and look at what he is saying, I can see so much of his childhood as well. This understanding actually spread to all parts of the relationship. There is so much understanding now. I show him more as well because I don't feel like I have to protect it. That also creates better understanding.
Thanks for sharing this, Linda! Yeah I also dislike vague platitudes like "Love yourself." I find it more convincing to look at specific examples, and have feelings about them. I can be happy and proud of something I did, and sad and disappointed about something else I did (or didn't do). But I can have a context to understand why I did or failed to do something.
I've come to appreciate and respect myself more now, not by applying vague "love yourself" statements, but by looking at concrete instances that I was proud of. And also being honest with things I was not proud of.
We say don't compare yourself with others. But I find it easier to have compassion and forgiveness with myself when I compare myself with others. But I do social comparisons in a strategic way. I don't just compare with one or two people who are doing better than me at some metric. I compare with loads of people at different stages of their journey, and with that, I have a fairer and kinder understanding of the situation, and of myself.
Seeing other people struggle, made it more permissible for me to struggle. Seeing other people do selfish things, made it more acceptable for me to do selfish things. Of course I can have my own moral compass of what I can or can't do, but it's okay to fall short and not always do the right/ best thing (depending on the situation).
Overall, I don't "love" myself but I don't hate myself either. But I do appreciate and respect myself more than before, and I can see that I can be cool sometimes (though not always). It's more convincing for me to look at concrete evidence of my behaviors, rather than to slap some generic label on me (whether good or bad). Maybe it's because I'm autistic and tend to process information in a bottom up rather than top down way. So I look at evidence and then draw conclusions. Rather than being given a conclusion and forced to accept it without getting evidence first.
I think when you can look at other people and see the same things that are inside of you helps grow compassion. As long as the compassion doesn't go to judgement. It's when you start the good bad label that makes things hard for yourself.
I like how you look at the evidence. I think that makes it easier than trying to prop up 'self-love' on a story. If you start putting self-love there then its back to the to-do box. Most of the stories we tell ourselves are lies. Who wants self-love based upon that?
I would rather look at myself as a whole system. Just like any part of nature, we move as our own ecosystem. When things are out of balance then the system is out of balance and it works hard to rebalance itself.
It’s a little crazy how our beliefs shape what we see and hear. Sometimes we just aren’t able to see the reality of something or someone because we’re too deep in our own perceptions, beliefs, patterns, bullshit, whatever label you want to give it. Seeing the truth can be really hard.
Yes it can be hard but it is so worth it. Remember that there is no self-judgement here just acceptance. We always do the best we can with where we are. It may not be what we want with what we know now. But the healing part is acceptance and the wisdom you gained from it.
This is extraordinary. Thank you for writing with such honesty and nuance. I felt so much resonance, especially with the line “Telling someone to love themselves is like planting flowers in concrete.” Damn!
Your reflection mirrors the journey I’ve taken with the Gene Keys, particularly around how we unconsciously build meaning structures based on early survival patterns, and how those stories quietly end up running the show until we interrupt them. For me, it’s been about dismantling those internal labels layer by layer, just like you described with the food. I had to learn to stop seeing my reactions as flaws and start seeing them as information on what needed healing
What you’ve described is exactly what the Gene Keys Venus Sequence is sort of a map of our emotional wounding and if we’re brave enough to walk the path and do the work we shift the entire story.
Thank you for sharing your truth. It’s real, and it’s medicine. 🙏
Thank you! I have checked out Gene Keys a little and it is really powerful! It gave me some thought. It filled in some of the information I might have been missing. Great system!
if you would ever consider chatting in a group with other explorers about any portion of the gene keys, I am forming a Community around it. We'd love to have you.
We're doing a deep dive 15-18 weeks 1 sphere of the Venus Sequence every 2 weeks. Starting Sept 15th with some off days during the holidays.
It is free for my substack subscribers, except for the official Venus course, which is highly recommended. Here is more info. I'd love to have you join us! https://carolinabaffigo.kit.com/feb9e04b4a
This is such a powerful example of how unexamined stories shape not only our perception of others, but of ourselves. The way you trace everyday conflict back to deeper evolutionary wiring and childhood beliefs is such a compassionate reminder that we’re often not reacting to the present moment—we’re reacting to the past. Self-love really does begin with self-knowing, and your story illustrates how liberating that process can be.
It is really shocking to see how much of our past thinking affects us now. I am always amazed when I did deep for things what comes up. Do you do a practice like this?
Great story, Linda.
I was also brought up to not waste food and to eat everything on my plate. We always had plenty to eat but it wasn't expensive food. I didn't eat steak until I was 18 and a boyfriend took me out for a birthday dinner.
You are so right about how attitude towards food can cause conflict. My ex wouldn't eat leftovers, which appalled and frustrated me. My current partner, on the other hand, has to have cupboards full of food and eats everyone else's leftovers. He was the eldest of three boys, all over six foot, and there wasn't enough food to go around.
It pays to discuss our attitudes to food, money, holidays, work etc. but when I was married, I didn't think to.
Yes! Hubby and I have settled so much but the food battle was the biggest lesson. When I don't make things personal and look at what he is saying, I can see so much of his childhood as well. This understanding actually spread to all parts of the relationship. There is so much understanding now. I show him more as well because I don't feel like I have to protect it. That also creates better understanding.
Thanks for sharing this, Linda! Yeah I also dislike vague platitudes like "Love yourself." I find it more convincing to look at specific examples, and have feelings about them. I can be happy and proud of something I did, and sad and disappointed about something else I did (or didn't do). But I can have a context to understand why I did or failed to do something.
I've come to appreciate and respect myself more now, not by applying vague "love yourself" statements, but by looking at concrete instances that I was proud of. And also being honest with things I was not proud of.
We say don't compare yourself with others. But I find it easier to have compassion and forgiveness with myself when I compare myself with others. But I do social comparisons in a strategic way. I don't just compare with one or two people who are doing better than me at some metric. I compare with loads of people at different stages of their journey, and with that, I have a fairer and kinder understanding of the situation, and of myself.
Seeing other people struggle, made it more permissible for me to struggle. Seeing other people do selfish things, made it more acceptable for me to do selfish things. Of course I can have my own moral compass of what I can or can't do, but it's okay to fall short and not always do the right/ best thing (depending on the situation).
Overall, I don't "love" myself but I don't hate myself either. But I do appreciate and respect myself more than before, and I can see that I can be cool sometimes (though not always). It's more convincing for me to look at concrete evidence of my behaviors, rather than to slap some generic label on me (whether good or bad). Maybe it's because I'm autistic and tend to process information in a bottom up rather than top down way. So I look at evidence and then draw conclusions. Rather than being given a conclusion and forced to accept it without getting evidence first.
I think when you can look at other people and see the same things that are inside of you helps grow compassion. As long as the compassion doesn't go to judgement. It's when you start the good bad label that makes things hard for yourself.
I like how you look at the evidence. I think that makes it easier than trying to prop up 'self-love' on a story. If you start putting self-love there then its back to the to-do box. Most of the stories we tell ourselves are lies. Who wants self-love based upon that?
I would rather look at myself as a whole system. Just like any part of nature, we move as our own ecosystem. When things are out of balance then the system is out of balance and it works hard to rebalance itself.
It’s a little crazy how our beliefs shape what we see and hear. Sometimes we just aren’t able to see the reality of something or someone because we’re too deep in our own perceptions, beliefs, patterns, bullshit, whatever label you want to give it. Seeing the truth can be really hard.
Yes it can be hard but it is so worth it. Remember that there is no self-judgement here just acceptance. We always do the best we can with where we are. It may not be what we want with what we know now. But the healing part is acceptance and the wisdom you gained from it.
This is extraordinary. Thank you for writing with such honesty and nuance. I felt so much resonance, especially with the line “Telling someone to love themselves is like planting flowers in concrete.” Damn!
Your reflection mirrors the journey I’ve taken with the Gene Keys, particularly around how we unconsciously build meaning structures based on early survival patterns, and how those stories quietly end up running the show until we interrupt them. For me, it’s been about dismantling those internal labels layer by layer, just like you described with the food. I had to learn to stop seeing my reactions as flaws and start seeing them as information on what needed healing
What you’ve described is exactly what the Gene Keys Venus Sequence is sort of a map of our emotional wounding and if we’re brave enough to walk the path and do the work we shift the entire story.
Thank you for sharing your truth. It’s real, and it’s medicine. 🙏
Thank you! I have checked out Gene Keys a little and it is really powerful! It gave me some thought. It filled in some of the information I might have been missing. Great system!
if you would ever consider chatting in a group with other explorers about any portion of the gene keys, I am forming a Community around it. We'd love to have you.
Let me know more about this.
We're doing a deep dive 15-18 weeks 1 sphere of the Venus Sequence every 2 weeks. Starting Sept 15th with some off days during the holidays.
It is free for my substack subscribers, except for the official Venus course, which is highly recommended. Here is more info. I'd love to have you join us! https://carolinabaffigo.kit.com/feb9e04b4a
Yeah it’s a deep rabbit hole that takes so much contemplation and patience but so worth the reward.