Ego Writes Better Fiction Than Netflix
Self-talk becomes protection you don't need
Negative self talk is like reading a book in your head-but has a different ending every time.
You are familiar with it.
You find yourself in real life situations. You imagine all the different outcomes possible. Each more dramatic than the last.
Or you replay past situations rewriting them until you are the hero.
You re-play old argument in your head.
You rewrite cutting remarks and cleaver comebacks you wished you thought of at the time. It gets juicer and juicer as you rewrite. Now you start to add revenge and justice to the story.
Suddenly, we are karma for the universe.
Mind writes fiction not facts
The longer that you think on this, the more elaborate the self-talk or stories become. The plot twists and turns becoming epic. What started as a simple ‘What if’ has now spiraled into a saga for all time.
But the truth is it is all just fiction.
These rewritten stories never come true.
I did this. Especially since I have a family gathering in a week. My family member and I are not speaking, so I don’t know what kind of reception I am going to get.
My inner story teller has been busy. I have scenarios that include:
A warm welcome
Them kicking me out
Lots of in-between responses
I am the hero
I am the villain.
Or the family idiot
Even the drama queen.
My favorite of all is where I am right and they are wrong. How could I not be? They started it. I just finished it.
Memory is just a another story
Eye witness testimony isn’t reliable
Crime drama has taught us this.
Every argument turns into a they said-they said scenario.
Our memory isn’t infallible. Different people see the same situation and have different viewpoints on it. Just another set of stories in our mind.
Again it is all just fiction.
I saw this play out.
I was in an accident and 3 different people saw it. No one got it right. They all had 3 different versions on the same thing. No one told what actually happened. (Got me out of a ticket.)
Arguments are the same way.
Throw in usual miscommunications and you get a real mess.
Each person is telling themselves a story of what happened based upon their beliefs. The viewpoint has now changed. Since everyone’s beliefs are individual you get different self-talk.
Communication becomes fuzzy and misdirected.
Hence the problem.
Knowing my memory isn’t completely accurate doesn’t help much.
What you need are facts. Not a bunch of stories.
From participant to witness
Being a writer I was fascinated by the stories or negative self-talk.
Where did they come from? Why were they there?
I sat back and started monitoring my thoughts. I noticed how the stories started and what the common theme was. I got a clearer picture of what was going on.
My family and I were definitely not arguing the same thing. Or maybe we were. We were seeking approval of other family members.
My ego seeking outside validation.
My ego was the author of these stories.
The ultimate aim of the ego is not to see something, but to be something -—Muhammed Iqbal
Ego gets a bad reputation
Kill the ego.
Shove the ego in a box and never let it out.
These are some of the more extremes I have heard over the years. Ego can not bring you joy. Monkey mind the Buddhist call it.
Ego gets the blame for everything.
Fear, anxiety or worry.
The ego is a fascinating monster.
Alanis Morissette
Blame the ego. Dismantle the ego and you will be happier. Cut it into small bits and no more problems.
This is bad information.
You can’t just kill a part of yourself.
You might as well cut an arm or leg off. It’s the same thing. You don’t shut out parts of yourself you don’t like.
This creates big problems.
Possibly even on a ‘therapist’s couch’ problems.
Buddhism teach you to ignore it.
They are not half wrong. But I didn’t spend 35 years learning about myself to suddenly ignore a piece. There had to be another way.
I decided to talk to it.
Conversations with my ego
These conversations were not very productive at first.
My ego was silent.
I was reading about destroying it. I let it run amok and now I was establishing some control over it, it rebelled.
I tried every approach.
Nice. Stern. Calm.
I accidently pissed it off one day. Here is how the conversation went:
Me-“Why do you try and control everything? You are not equipped for this. You suck at it really.”
My ego screamed back“ I am trying to protect you!”
I was shocked.
I started thinking about what I know about the ego.
Survival fiction of the ego
This made sense actually.
I looked at the past stories it told. They were about survival. That I was not at the bottom of the food chain or important enough not to be preyed upon.
All of the stories were about:
Self-importance
Overthinking
Control
Judgement both of others and self
Perfectionism
Being a victim
Bullying
Fear
Anxiety
The list could get pretty long.
If you look through this with the lens of survival, it made sense. Each of these stories making sure that I was safe. It is twisted logic but I could see it.
I started thinking about the fight with my family member.
I replayed conversations.
Seeing these conversations where I was worthless, unimportant, and not having my boundaries respected. I got angry. My ego was protecting me.
This explained the stories in my head getting long and elaborate.
My ego was playing out scenarios and resolution where I would be safe.
It would skew the conversation so that I was right.
It would ramp up my emotions because it senses that fight or flight is needed. Self-defense here so I am in a good position. It takes over all brain power.
That is why it is hard to think rationally if we are not aware of this.
We think that our whole selves is thinking not just a part of our personality.
We keep ourselves stressed from this. We can find no peace, joy or rest if we are playing survival stories through our head. No way to think clearly.
I took a deep breath.
Just loving the ego
Back to the conversation with my ego.
My first reaction to this was come back hard at ego.
How wrong it was. How much energy it was wasting. How unnecessary all of this was. There are better practices to deal with this.
But a picture flashed in my head of what I thought of as my ego.
It was a man wearing torn clothing and bloody. He was breathing hard on his hands and knees. He raised his head and there was such failure and defeat in his eyes.
My heart turned over in my chest at this picture.
I decided to do something different.
I sent this image love and gratitude for all it had done. I thanked it for caring enough to protect me. I told him that he wasn’t alone. I could help.
He sent peace and joy back to me.
I took a deep breathe.
I now could hit the pause button as I calmed down. I brought myself to the present moment. I gave myself a day to stay calm and gave my ego a break.
Then I started to look at the situation again. I started reframing conversations. I was now confused.
Without ego’s voice to interpret the conversations, my memories were foggy. I couldn’t clearly remember who said what.
I reframed the whole situation into a scenario that I didn’t need protection.
I then formed a partnership with my ego.
Ego didn’t have to fight just be alert to possible similar situations. I could now bring all the practices I have of mindset to the situation as a witness and evaluate better.
The hurt of the situation wasn’t there anymore.
Don’t believe everything that you think
This taught me valuable lessons.
Not to believe everything that goes through my head. To be more of a witness. To try and see the situation from several angles.
My ego has now integrated more with my whole self.
I now get alerts when I am in situations which dis-empower me. I am aware earlier and can decide what to do and not let my ego handle it all.
I now have more energy to do other things besides writing an ego book in my head.
The family situation? It went well and was a really nice visit. Not one of my scenarios played out.
So the next time ego fantasies get a hold of you, try:
Take a deep breath and step back from the situation
If your imagination is good, start an inner conversation with your ego to find out what is going on.
Reframe the situation like you were a person observing and not a participant. This will help give different perspectives you won’t see otherwise.
Realize that everyone thinks they are right. No exceptions to this.
The physical ego serves as its own worst enemy when, by delusive material behavior, it eclipses its true nature as the ever blessed soul. - Paramahansa Yogananda
When you can partner with your ego instead of fighting it, you go deeper into yourself and hear your soul speak.